Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Christmas


Christmas is over now and I'm exhausted. I remember when we were first married and I so looked forward to the decorating and the celebrating and just the whole holiday thing. I still love the whole holiday thing but it's becoming more and more difficult to drag all that stuff out of the attic to decorate every year and I think my age is catching up to me. I wish I had a nice dry basement where I could store all my Christmas containers, or a big closet on the main floor would be nice as well. But no - for us it's a pull-down attic staircase (which should have been replaced years ago with a newer, sturdier one) and an attic packed to the rafters with "stuff" to work around. And while the anticipation of the fun to come makes to set-up tolerable, all that cleaning up and putting away - well - that's another story altogether.

I remember when my father-in-law died, over twenty years ago now, and my mother-in-law was not going to bother putting her tree up the following Christmas. We were horrified! We went to her house and dragged everything down from her attic and put the tree up and decorated it for her. It made us feel better but I'm not sure now that it did anything for her! And then we had to take it all down again in January. At the time I couldn't imagine how she could not want to do the whole Christmas thing. Now it makes all the sense in the world to me. All that work, all alone, and no one to enjoy it with when it's done. Hummm.

I think about downsizing a lot. In fact, this Christmas I gave quite a few things away to my kids for their own decorating pleasure - ornaments, wall hangings, fake greens - but I still have plenty left to pack up again and drag back up those attic stairs.

I'm thinking next year, a little fake tree that sits on the table....(only kidding kids!)

Friday, December 12, 2008

Is it me?


OK - is it just me or are the holidays getting busier every year? I'm so well organized and think I have everything pretty much under control, and still-there is just so much going on!

Perhaps it's simply a result of my age, but I think there are other factors at work here. For instance, for so many years I shopped for my family of four children, our two sets of paretns, and my husband. Now I have, in my immedate family alone, my four grown children, their three spouses, and six grandchildren. And my husband of course, who becomes more difficult to buy for every year.

In the early days we were so poor that it was easy to shop for him - I knew a sport coat or some work clothes would be treasured. Not any more! What he wants, he buys, and then when Christmas comes along what's left to surprise him with? I'll never forget a couple years ago when he came home in October with the exact thing I was going to get him for Christmas. How annoying!

Also, as my children grew and moved on I became more and more involved with other things, all of which come with schedules and demands of their own. So that is added to the mix as well. Oh for the days when I was stuck at home with little ones and had plenty of time to hand make and wrap gifts!

Anyway, I think its more than old age that I'm dealing with here. I think its a heavier work load and a busier schedule. But I guess I can't complain. After all, there's nothing like a big family and lots of activity to make the holidays just perfect...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Remembering


The interesting thing about middle-age is that I find myself reflecting so often on the past. Which is a bit scary because I used to think that elderly people tended to live in the past rather than embrace the present, so it's sobering to find myself sometimes fixated on times gone by. But I understand that now. Because there are so many memories that are part of who I am.

The holidays are full of memories. Perhaps losing both our mothers in the past two years has made them more acute for me because I am thinking so much about Thanksgivings and Christmases past right now. I remember happy times in my own childhood, which for a troubled girl like me did not come that often. They were mostly centered on holidays. And as a young married woman I think about those first holidays we shared together and they always make me smile. There is nothing like the optimism and joy of young love. And of course, so many years spent with my little ones, those wonderful beings that make our lives so amazing. I remember mornings around one Christmas tree with those kids and afternoons around another as we moved from family to family to celebrate. I remember laughter and joy in those homes. I miss those people who raised us and loved us and helped us become the people we are. I will always miss them at the holidays.

But I still have plenty of holidays left in me I hope! And I think there are many wonderful memories to still me made. It's not a bad time in life really - plenty to remember and smile about...and plenty to look forward to as well. Not such a bad place to be!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

The emotional roller coaster


Middle age is more difficult than I had imagined. I remember when my parents were my age - the golden years they call them! I was a newlywed, stuck at home with little children, with no money to spend on anything - I thought that theirs' was indeed the ideal, golden age. They had money to spend on leisure activities, they traveled all over the world, and they ate out at restaurants regularly....it was my fantasy! They seemed footloose and fancy free, Still young enough to enjoy the best things in life, and with the ability to hire other people to do their most mundane tasks like cleaning the house or painting a room.

I had no idea then that my fifties would be such tumultuous years.

Now the reality of this age is very real to me. It's a time of "high highs" and "low lows" and my emotional stability is sometimes in question. Just these past two years have been such a roller coaster in our house that I sometimes feel seasick thinking about it. Less than two years ago my mother died - a devastating loss to me. Within the same year - about ten months later - my daughter had a son. What a joyous occasion! When only a few more months had passed my husband's mother died, leaving another gaping hole in our family. Then, less than two months after that our son was married to a wonderful girl that we all love - a real celebration! So within the time frame of two short years our family has lost two dear members - and welcomed two new ones. Wow.

I don't know, but it seems to me that when you throw in the other things we deal with at this time in our lives, like the aches and pains of aging bodies and the difficulty of doing some of the minor tasks we used to take for granted - well, it's not such a golden age after all.

And, unlike my parents, we are scrimping like mad to afford a little travel to see some of the places in the world we have dreamed of seeing for a very long time. And we've not yet figured out how to find enough extra money to hire someone else to do the painting and cleaning.

But - all in all life is good and I shouldn't complain I know. I'm just actually looking forward to my sixties now, hoping that maybe they'll be a little more "golden"...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

New president


It occurred to me for the first time the other day that this is the first president that has been elected in my lifetime that's younger than I am. Now that is a sobering thought. I've grown accustomed to the fact that every police officer and teacher now looks about the same age as my children, but the president? I'm not sure I ever thought that would happen! Of course it helps that this president will be unusually young, and I know if the election had gone the other way I wouldn't be feeling this way, but still...where is Ronald Reagen when I need him?

I am excited about the youth that is going to be inhabiting the White House and I think it's great that young children will once again be running in those hallowed halls. But the fact that I have grandchildren nearly the age of the president's children is indeed a bit sobering.

Ah well, as my father used to say, old age is better than the alternative. I guess that's true - as long as we have our health and can enjoy life, what difference does it make how old we are? And is it not true that only an old person would say such a thing?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

In my lifetime....


You know you are getting old when you say things like "I never thought I would see this in my lifetime...." and that's what I have been saying and thinking all week with this election. All the thoughts that have gone through my head, about the civil rights movement, the turmoil of the 1960s, the fight for equality over the years when I was coming of age - they have all served to make me think about my life and the things I've seen. And that makes me feel old.

I remember listening to my grandmother talk about the day that Lindbergh flew across the ocean in his plane. And my parents talking about Pearl Harbor Day. They were concepts to me - they were another time and not part of my experience. Now here I am, sharing my life experiences with my kids who are probably similarly detached from it all. How can they know what it was like to see the war footage on the 7:00 news every night? They certainly are not seeing that now! How could they understand the fear that a young girl felt when she saw the atrocities that blacks were enduring during the height of the Ku Klux Klan years? They cannot even envision a world where women were not police officers and politicians!

I'm glad that they did not have to experience those things. And yet I am realizing that the fact that I did makes me "of a certain age". Yikes!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

The circle of life


When my mother died my sister made a comment that I have never forgotten. She said "I really hate this whole circle of life thing!" And I did too at the time, because I just wanted my mother back. But now, I see that it is this very life cycle that makes it possible for us to welcome the next generation into our lives and bring us such overwhelming joy.

Someone told me after Mom died that as sad as it was to say goodbye to them it was necessary so there would be room for new lives to come. They were right.

At family lunch today I watched my niece with her 12 day old infant on her lap, and I listened to my grandsons run around the house with her other little boy - and I observed my children and their cousins - all sitting around the table just enjoying each other's company. I thought to myself " This circle of life thing isn't so bad, really. We just need to get used to it".

Middle age is not a bad time of life. In fact, as sad as it is to lose our parents and suddenly become the "senior" generation of the family, it's amazing to watch as not one but two new generations bloom before our eyes. They are amazing kids, all of them. And it's a wonderful thing to see them mature and become such great adults. I wish I could watch the process go on forever....

Monday, October 6, 2008

Dancing


Nothing makes me feel any older than going to a wedding and watching kids dance. The enthusiasm and energy of some 20-somethings is contagioius and I love watching them take over the dance floor, but I get tired just watching them from the sidelines while I wait patiently for a "slow dance" to come up in the rotation.

My favorite movie is "It's a Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. Its the heartwarming story of a man who is faced with losing his life's work and possessions and is so overwhelmed by it all that he considers jumping off a bridge and ending it. Anyway, it's a classic so I don't need to go into details about the plot, but what I was getting at was that there is one scene where the two main charaters are out front of a home where an older man is watching them and he finally waves his hand in disgust and utters the phrase "Aw, youth is wasted on the young!"

I think about that line so many times now that I am older. If only I had known then then what I know now I would have danced with more abandon, laughed with more entusiasm, and just generally lived life with more gusto, knowing that it was brief and every moment is to be savored. I would have spent less time worrying about what people were thinking about me and less time worrying about what I looked like or sounded like or anything else that might have made me enjoy moments more fully when I was in them.

It's not too late for me to live it with more freedom though, and I think I will.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Knees

The knees are sore this morning. It's funny how you give so little thought to your body parts for so many years and then middle-age hits and suddenly it's as though they all want your attention at once. An ache here, a creak there, and new feelings and experiences all the time. What used to be taken for granted is now constantly at the forefront of our minds.

My father had bad knees and his sister had both knees replaced so it is a worry for me. Genetics is such a troublesome thing! I used to be able to bound up the stairs at home without a second thought and now I hang on to the banister for fear I can't manage to pull myself up without the extra help.

What a strange thing it is, watching as our bodies slowly deteriorate. Not that I feel as though I am wrung out and done with, but I can surely see the slow process happening and it is fascinating. For me its the knees, for others it may be shoulders or elbows, but all my friends in this age bracket have some sort of issue with joints or bones. It's the kind of thing you don't want to talk about too much because it makes you feel and sound "old", but it is always there and it makes us well aware of the years we are looking back on as opposed to forward to at this point in our lives. And it's comical to be out with friends and hear all the little groans when we all stand up to leave the dinner table.

But....my knees still work and I am still in pretty good shape so I take the warning signs as just that. I need to work on the treadmill and keep myself in physical shape as much as it is possible for me to do. And I can go a long way in that respect.

Time to get moving....

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Memory

I wanted to call someone on the phone and I walked out to the office, picked up the phone book, and started to flip through the pages. There was one problem. I forgot who I was calling.

How is it possible to forget within 5 minutes? It scares me sometimes in this "age of Alzhiemers' because I watched my grandmother suffer with it and the my mother-in-law. I read everything I see about it in the newspapers - every new study or discovery is important and I devour every word. It is going to be the curse of my generation.

But then I am with friends and they do the same thing. "What was I going to tell you?" they say, or "Where did I leave my car keys"? It releives me a little....but still there is that doubt.

I know at the end of the day what will be will be. There is not a blessed thing I can do about it if I get it. But with middle-age comes many concerns about health and fitness and we fuss so much about the way our bodies are changing. We try to eat right and excercise and stay in good shape, but we know the clock is ticking and time inevitably moves on.

Now what was it I was talking about again?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

New glasses

Today I was fitted for new eye glasses and it was a pretty painful process. Not only was the mirror large and close to my face, it had magnification. Now - I know that I don't look like I did 30 years ago, but I honestly had no idea it is as bad as it is. I mean, I am used to seeing myself in the bathroom mirror, standing at a nice distance of about 5 feet. Flaws are easily hidden and my increasingly poor eyesight misses a multitude of sins. But the mirror at the optometrist's office....well that was just brutal.

It was noon when I walked out of the office, and I really wanted to find the closest bar. And I don't really drink as a rule. Today it was called for.

When I was young I was often complimented on my complexion. Now I think it is a bit scary, with age spots popping up all over the place and the imperfections in my skin tone and quality are quite visible, even through make-up. It's impossible to hide it all anymore.

It would be easy to give up at this point and not bother trying anymore. If I was wealthy I might consider botox or some other cosmetic surgery, but probably not. I am not fond of needles or pain.

Then again, the pain is sometimes mental. Like when you look too closely in a big mirror and realize you're not fooling anybody anymore.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Doctors

It's doctor season for me. I have been dreading it for a month now, because I knew that as soon as September came I would need to start making my annual pilgrimages to the various specialists and general practitioners who make up my "health care team" as they like to call themselves. So far I've been to the optomitrist for updated glasses and a glaucoma test and to the dentist to have the plaque scraped off my teeth. Tomorrow I'll head west for blood work so I can have my annual check-up with my general practitioner. Then it will be the gynocologist for Pap smear, mammogram, and bone scan, and then to the gastroenterologist for my follow-up endoscopy.....and the sad thing is that this is only the beginning! If I am lucky enough to live a nice long life it will only get worse and I'll will need to spend more and more time in waiting rooms and on examining tables. Yuck.

From a pretty early age we learn that the things that are good for us are not always pleasant, from taking medicine to eating the right foods - but once middle age sets in it really gets rediculous. I remind myself how lucky we are to have the kinds of interventions and screenings that would indoubtedly have extended my grandparents lives had they been available 40 years ago. I know we are the recipients of the results of wonderful research and discovery. And I truly like all my doctors, I really do! Yet the idea of spending 30 minutes (or more) cooling my heels in the waiting room of a doctor's office still makes me annoyed.

Maybe we need more research on how to make the doctor's scheduling more efficient. And then how to make the tests themselves, and the hospitals and their staffs who administer them, less intimidating and more "patient friendly".

A good start would be improving those silly hospital gowns...

Monday, September 8, 2008

Candidates

I am amused at the way our new vice presidential candidate has highlighted the gender gap that exists so blatantly in this country. The most obvious thing that brought it to light for me was when I sat in a room full of men and they looked at me, with big grins, and asked "Well, what do you think of Sarah Palin, huh?" The tone left no doubt of the uspoken insunuation that I should be ready to run out and vote for this person simply because she was a woman. I was a bit taken aback by it simply because, as much as I admire any woman who has managed to get as far as this one has in what is obviously such a "man's world" like politics, I do not agree with many of her political viewpoints and would no more vote for her simply because she is a woman than I would have voted for Hillary for the same reason. Here we are 80 years after winning the right to vote and yet men still seem to think we are more concerned with gender than substance. Wow.

I wonder if we will ever see true equality in our world. I'm not sure its possible, but I hope so. I look forward to a time when no one would assume you would vote for any candidate based on the color of their skin or the type of their genital organs. I know that's something that the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King would have also hoped for - being judged on the content of one's character and all. But we are not there yet and as a middle-aged woman I wonder if I will ever see it.

What an interesting age we live in. We - many of us - are in the doorway. But not quite yet into the room.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Newlyweds

Having my newly-wedded son and his adorable wife live with us this summer has been an enriching experience for me. If anything, adding her to the family mix has made life easier as she has tempered my son's usual sloppy and carefree ways with a more refined and focused attitude. She is a good influence on him and I think they compliment each other well - he chose wisely.

One of the things that has been most fun for me to observe is those moments in early married life where we attempt to figure each other out and find what our acceptable boundaries are. This morning, as my husband helped them load the truck with furniture to move into their new apartment, I was especially amused by the following exchange: My son and my husband were putting an end table in the pick-up truck. It is one of those tables that has a lamp built right into it, and they stood it up in the truck bed and secured it with a bungee cord. The lampshade was still on the lamp. As my daughter-in-law and I watched from the door we both had the same thought and as my son walked back into the house she said sweetly "Don't you think it might be a good idea to take the shade off the lamp before you drive away?" So sweet, I thought. I remember those days so well! All optimism and joy in the discovery of who we have attached ourselves to for the rest of our lives.

Anyway, I watched silently for the next few minutes as they continued to load things onto the truck until I finally couldn't stand it anymore and headed out to the truck myself, and with all 33 years of experience behind me stated firmly to my husband "You need to take that lampshade off and put it in the truck".

"Good idea" he said and promplty did exactly that.

Ah the glory of youth. Ah the wisdom of middle-age!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Ouch!

Today I am paying for not physically working out for months. I was so faithful for so long - since I turned 50 when I began an exercise program for the first time in my life - and then a series of events happened a few months ago which derailed everything, and now here I am, out of shape and miserable. So finally I laced up my sneakers and headed outside on a beautiful September day for a nice walk.

Today - my shins hurt. Every step I take causes pain to shoot up the front of my legs and I am annoyed that I allowed myself to get to this point. And also that my age is a factor in everything anymore. It will take me weeks to get back to where I was a few months ago.

I came from a family that never did anything very physical. It was not the best legacy, but it is what it is. Now I struggle to make myself get out and sweat just because I know its good for me. And I have a message for all those people who hvae told me over the years that I would learn to love it: I hate it. And I always will.

Especially when my shins hurt.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Perspective

One of the interesting benefits of middle-age is the perspective I have attained on life and the journey it is. I can think back on so many things that have happened over the years, things that seemed so earth-shattering at the time they occurred, and realize with hindsight that none of them were as important or horrible as I thought they were at the time. Each traumatic event was HUGE when I was in the midst of them, but now, in retrospect, they were not such a big deal. So why was it that at the time it seemed as though my world was rocked and nothing would ever be the same?

I think that this is what we see in the elderly as contentment and peace. It is simply the knowledge they've acquired with age that helps them take everything with grace and calm. My mother was the very picture of grace when she was dying. Now I think I know why. We live for so many years sort of bouncing from crisis to crisis, dealing with kids and financial issues, so many really heavy things - and then we get to this point and we can see that we weathered it all, we are still here, and at the end of the day everything worked out OK.

I am trying hard to take on the peaceful presence that I observe in many of the senior members of our lives. And hopefully when the next crisis comes I will be ready with an attitude of contentment, happy in the knowledge that this too shall pass, whatever it is, and I survive. And also that God abides in us if we are open to it, bringing a peace and grace that is otherworldly to our lives.

It is a wonderful revelation.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Diet time...again

What is it about diets that make us think we need to start them during times of "new beginnings"? Like a new year, or a holiday just passed, or maybe a birthday we are celebrating. Whatever it is - and today it's September for me - we somehow think that the "beginning" of something is the right time to start fresh and get our act together. So today the diet begins.

What torture, what agony! And why is it so difficult? I have theories about diets but I'm sure they would never stand up to scientific proof of any kind. I just know what I have observed in my lifetime. For instance: some people can simply eat more than other people and never gain weight. You can spend an entire day showing me proof that calories make people gain weight, but I have seen it with my own eyes and I know it is true. Some people are just meant to be thin. I hate those people.

Another truth: the people who are on TV talking about how they went from a size 22 to a size 6 by losing 50 lbs must be freaks of nature. I mean, I have lost tons of weight over my lifetime (well maybe not tons but certainly hundreds of pounds over the years) and even my largest losses have never amounted to more than 2 sizes different.

And this one: If I never eat another day of my life I will never be a size 6. I am quite certain that my bones are a certain size and its definatly not a 6.

I made my husband promise me once that if I am ever in a coma and they say I will not recover, he is not allowed to let them turn off the machines that are keeping me alive until I am down to a size 12. Just once in my adult life I would like to reach that goal. It may not be a size 6, but on me I think it will look really, really good. Even if I do have tubes coming out of everywhere.

I wonder if there is a space for that request on a living will....

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Bed time

It is now after 10pm and I am feeling as though I should have been in bed an hour ago. What's happened to me? I can remember a time, (and it seems as though it wasn't long ago but I guess it was over 30 years now,) when I would go out to a nightclub with my friends until 3 in the morning, go home to sleep for a few hours and then get up at 8am for work. And I thought nothing if it! I don't even think I was particularly tired the next day. What happened to that person? Now if I don't get my solid 7 hours I can barely function for the following 12 hours and honestly, I cannot think of anything I want to do badly enough to make me stay up after midnight.

For some reason, the older I get, the less I do, and the more I need my sleep. What a crazy life.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Childbirth

It was exactly 33 years ago right now that I was laying in a hospital bed holding my newborn baby for her very first feeding. We had checked in about 1:30 and were only there a couple hours when she graced us with her presence, with her perfect little head and adorable little face. How vivid and special those memories are today, all these years later.

But where did those years go? As much as I can rationally say they went to school, and piano lessons, and 4-H Club, and sports - because I remember every year quite well - I still cannot quite fathom that the tiny baby I held in my arms, so overcome with the gravity and responsibilty of it all, is now a mother herself. Life is strange in so many ways - none more than in the way it grabs us by the scruff of the neck and sends us spinning off through the ages with dizzying speed.

Today I will celebrate a special day, 33 years ago, that changed my life forever. And today I will wonder at how it all goes by so fast. A vapor, as the Bible says. Truer words were never said.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Fall Cleaning

I used to love to do spring and fall cleaning in the house. The kind where we pull all the furniture out, get every hidden baseboard and corner well vacuumed, roll up the area rugs and scrub the floors - it was such a great feeling. But as I get older I am starting to dread it. What was once a liberating and wonderful event is something I now look to with dread. A long week of cleaning out closets, scrubbing walls and cleaning carpets seems like an overwhelming duty now. And I find it easy to put it off as long as possible just because it's so much work.

And I'm only in my 50s. What am I going to do if I'm lucky enough to hit 70? I don't even want to think about it. It is already making me tired...

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Muscles

I notice when I sit curled up in a chair for awhile, and then stand up to go into another room, it takes me three or four steps to straighten out all the way and walk upright. What is that about? The muscles just don't seem to make the quick adjustment they used to - like everything else in my body they seem a bit worn and slow. When it happens I usually think something along the lines of "My kids must think I am looking really old these days" because I remember observing such changes in my own parents and thinking that very thing.

I am enjoying my age - it is full of new experiences and tempered with contentment. I no longer worry about the future because I've lived long enough to know the future will take care of itself. But I wish I had the mind of a 57-year-old and the body of a 27-year-old.

Now that would be a winning combination!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Grandkids

I tapped into a very distinct memory the other day. It was when we was in our first home together over 30 years ago now, a tiny little house in Amagansett. I was rocking my first born baby about 2 in the morning - she was only a few weeks old. I distinctly remember looking down at her tiny perfect face and being so overhwelmed with love for this child, and then just as suddenly being struck with a new thought: Is this the way my mother felt about me? Did she love me with this same kind of intense and heart-wrenching love that makes me now know that I would do anything for this child? Wow. I had no idea!

For years I thought there was no other love like that - the love I felt for my children. And this coming from someone who is still very much in love with her husband, and has a big wonderful extended family that I love very much as well. But what I feel for my kids, well that cannot be matched can it?

And then I had grandchildren.

The confounding thing about grandchildren is that we have very little control over much that happens in their lives - we must sit back and watch our children do all the parenting and make all the decisions about what they are taught and what they can do. As much as we would love to wrap them in a bubble and protect them from everything we cannot even be there to protect them from the everyday dangers they face. Their parents have to assume that burden. But when I look into the faces of those kids I feel the same intense emotional connection that I did to my own babies - a primal, protective urge that is so strong it nearly bursts out sometimes. It has in fact - at those times when I've pleaded out loud to one of their parents "She can't do that can she?" or "Do you let him play with those?" Usually I can suppress those kinds of words but sometimes, it just happens. And its not because I think any of them are bad parents, quite the contrary. So far they've all been top notch in the parenting department. It's got more to do with not being in control of something so important to me than anything else.

Anyway - the thing that set all this thought process off was a few days ago when I was going to baby sit for the kids and my daughter said, innocently enough, "I feel better about having them with someone who loves them almost as much as I do!"

She really has no idea....

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Saturday

Saturday used to be a long work day around our house. For so many years we rose early and began the process of crossing off the jobs on our list that ranged from house cleaning to car washing to hedge trimming and yard maintenance. We would work together - not side-by-side necessarily but together all the same, to get the house cleaned and manicured and totally up to snuff - at least as much as it ever is around here. (Neither of us is a neat freak!) Even the kids had a chore list for Saturdays.

That was then.

This morning we were out of bed before 7am and started working deligently. I vacuumed, wiped, scoured, and scrubbed around this house which has been a bit neglected during this very busy summer, and even the cabinets got a good going-over. My husband headed for the yard where he washed the cars and is even now toiling away at the hedges which are badly in need of a trim. It's 10am and I am exhausted.

So here is one more thing to put on the list of the annoyances of aging - lack of endurance! Where we used to work until about 3 in the afternoon before resting. Now we are lucky if we make it to lunchtime. And we take little breaks all morning at that. By noon we are usually sitting in chairs, grabbing a bite to eat and trying not to think about how much our legs ache or our backs hurt.

It' a strange thing, watching our bodies wear out. And we are not even that old yet! But we can already see the difference and it sometimes sobers us up realizing how much less we will be able to do in a few more years.

So - we work on our own maintenance - regular excercise and eating (fairly) well. But age is an inevitable part of life and its efects are clear. My poor parents. I should have offered to help them out more...

Friday, August 22, 2008

Memory

Earlier today - or maybe earlier this week - I can't remember which - I told somebody I would do something for them. I remember the conversation enough that I remember saying "No problem! I can do that in a couple minutes! I'll take care of it right away." Now, I cannot remember the person I was talking to, the place we were, any of the details of the conversation (as in what it was I was promising to do) and I'm totally confused. What do I do now? I can't go back and ask what it was I promised to do, I can't do it now even though it might be late - I'm stuck in this world of not knowing anything basically.

It's very unfamiliar territory for me. I am a person who has always prided myself on a pretty reliable memory for details and here I am not remembering enough to even back-track and fix all of it. I'm basically screwed.

My memory has failed in the past but never quite to this extent. I'm not worried about Alzhemiers - not yet anyway - but gosh I hate not being someone that others can depend on.

I supposed it's time to begin writing everything down. Everything. What a drag....

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Off limits

Why is it that when you hit middle age so many of lifes most wonderful things are suddenly off limits? Ice cream has too much cholesterol, actually everything that tastes good has too much fat, and the sun is bad for our skin, making us look older and more wretched than we already are. There are dietary restrictions and warnings about all kinds of dangers lurking around every corner where we never would have imagined them before, and even our clothing has to be re-examined, lest we apper to be "dressing too young" or "trying to look like someone half our age". Even my make-up had to be adjusted a few years back because heaven forbid I look too harsh in the light with my newly altered skin tone and texture. I give up, you know? We spend our lives trying to "get it all down", to figure out what works for us, how we like things cooked, what we love to wear - and here we are having to re-think all of it simply because we are a little older. And what is the magic age anyway? When you turn 40? 45? 50? 55? I give up.

I think my grandmother had it right. Do what makes you comfortable and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. She was wearing dresses to her ankles when we were wearing minis in the late 60s and thought she was hopelessly out of fashion. Surely she could shorten them a little I thought to myself! But now I see she was right. She was happy the way her legs were covered and she just didn't care what anyone else did or said.

I wish I had her confidence. I'm working on that. And in the meantime I keep changing my look - softening the make-up, eating what's good for me, and generally trying to be "young" while actually moving quickly toward "old".

As Grandma used to say "Life is grand if you don't weaken!"

Sleep deprivation

I don't remember ever having trouble sleeping when I was younger. For some reason, middle-age brings with it so many things that cause sleep-deprivation! No wonder I'm tired so often!

Let's see - there's caffeine, spicy foods, fatty foods, stress, sensitivity to temperature, nightly bathroom runs...what was it last night? I think it was a combination of the caffeine in that diet soda I drank when we were out, and the multiple glasses of water with dinner that did it. Seems like every hour on the hour I was looking at the clock wondering where my good night of sleep was.

It doesn't happen every night but I certainly appreciate those nice deep slumbers when I get them. With the weather turning cooler when the sun disappears, if I am really, really careful about what I eat or drink after, say, 4pm every day, well maybe - just maybe - I'll enjoy some of those good nights of sleep.

Now that's something to look forward to!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Babysitting

Today is a babysitting day for me. Nothing makes me feel more middle-aged than spending time with my adorable grandkids.

I am so looking forward to spending time with them, but I know I will be tired when I leave their house. I notice how much less energy I have now than I did when my own were little ones. I used to face each day with excitement, wondering what we could all do that would be both a learning experience and fun. Maybe we would walk to the park or just explore in the back yard. And then winter was always fun because we could do all the crafts and baking projects that I enjoy so much. Raising kids was an adventure that I loved.

But now, I arrive enthusiastically thinking about what we can do in the yard but within an hour after I've arrived I am thinking about how I can get them back into the house to watch a movie or something so I can sit on the couch. Lunch is a blessing - we must go indoors! No more chasing them around the yard or pushing them on the swings. We can sit! We can relax! What happened to me?

Middle age is an adventure. Every year brings new challenges and every year brings the realization that life is changing. In fact, usually I feel the same way I did 30 years ago - young and vibrant and full of life! But then, every so often, I get called on to babysit. That's when reality sinks in....

Its a good thing I adore those children!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Tight pants

I cannot help but dread the fall when I realize it is "doctor" season for me. I have made an effort these past few years to lump all my medical stuff into the same time of year so I don't have to spend my entire year dealing with doctors and tests and all that stuff, but the older I get, and the more doctors this involves, the more depressing it is becoming.

It started when I turned 40 with the regular mammogram. No big deal - go see the gyn and have my pap smear and get my mammo. Now its the gyn for those issues, then the family doctor for refills on my prescriptions, the dentist for getting my teeth cleaned and checked, and a yearly endoscopy to track my Barrett's Syndrome. Oh - and the bone scans, and the lab work....enough already!

I could yearn for the early days when I saw a doctor once in a great while when one of my kids had to go! But that would mean being young and stupid again. Or - I can chose to be like my father was and simply ignore any medical problems, not worry about preventive medicine, and simply not go for any check-ups. But at the end of the day what would that gain me? More hours every fall and less aggravation but possibly years off my life.

I don't know which is the best way to go here but I am rather afraid of the alternatives if I decide the high blood pressure and slow thyroid can just be ignored. On the other hand, having gained a few pounds I dread seeing anyone who can, simply by their being who they are, make me feel guilty and ashamed for my terrible shortcomings. They are all very kind but even walking into their offices makes me cringe. A lifetime of feeling judged for your weight will do that to a person.

Well, as usual I will suck it up and go, visiting multiple doctors for various issues and get it all out of the way for another year. But I am dreading the fall!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

20/20 vision

There is a recurring memory I have which has haunted me these past few years. I am sitting in my grandmother's living room while she prepares to mend a pair of my grandfather's pants. She sits in a chair near the window where the light is best, unwinds some black thread from a spool, and works at threading the needle. Over and over again she attempts to get that thread through that tiny needle's eye, and finally in frustration I can still hear her voice say to me "Honey could you please do this for me? I just can't see as well as I used to!" Almost with a sense of triumph I run over and quickly quide the thread through the needle and pass it back to her with a smile. I remember being bemused by her inability to do such a simple task and that is the memory that haunts me now. Because now I can't thread a needle either.

Just the other day I struggled with the task in an attempt to mend a similar pair of pants. Over and over I put the needle in front of my face, squinting harder and harder trying to get that little hole in focus. And then hitting the needle with the thread over and over again, hoping against hope that I would get the right spot by chance because I knew I couldn't see it. I did finally manage to thread the thing but what an effort! And my grandmother's living room popped into my mind once again and guilt flooded me with regret. How could I have been so cockey as to think it was me rather than my youth that was so special?

We are all ignorant of the glory of youth when we are young. One of my favorite lines in my favorite movie is from the old holiday classic "It's a Wonderful Life" with Jimmy Stewart. As a young man he flirts with Donna Reed out on the sidewalk of a neighbor's house and the elderly neighbor watches with disgust as Jimmy's character cannot bring himself to get up the nerve to kiss this pretty thing standing right in front of him. "Well go ahead and kiss her you dope" the old man mutters. And then this, the one I think about all the time "Aw, youth is wasted on the young!"

Why is it that as humans we never seem to fully appreciate the things we have until they are gone? Things as simple as the ability to thread a needle should to be cherished for what they are - gifts. For we have so many gifts we tend to take for granted. Throughout our lives. And we never see them for what they are until it is too late. How often in middle age have I realized that truth.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Mirror madness

When I was a young girl I stessed and fretted over every part of my appearance - which is a normal state for teens I think - but it seems so ironic now. Those were the years I actually looked good. What was I so worried about? Here I am now at my age and now I should be working hard ot make myself presentable - yet I have rather a laissez-faire approach to the morning's mirror duties. Sort of a here-it-is-world-take-it-or-leave-it approach.

I imagine an anthropologist will explain it all as life-cycle stuff; you know, primping and preening in seaarch of a mate, then settling down to the business of life when our reproductive years are over. I suppose there is something to be said for that. But honestly, I think its just because I was so stupid when I was young. I always thought I was ugly, fat, plain, ungifted - you name it, I didn't have it. Now, I look back at photos when I was a teenager and I think "Hey-you were a pretty girl!". My son almost blew me away once when he saw an old photo of me and remarked "Wow Mom, you were hot!" Me, hot? I don't think so.

I guess my sister has it right. She explained recently that she finally realized every time she saw a photo of herself when she was younger - by even 10 years - she thought "Gee, I looked so much better then!" So now she figures she should just enjoy the way she looks now because its all downhill from here!

I don't want to be one of those people who takes an hour to get out of the bathroom for all the make-up and hair business. Nor do I want to ever consider cosmetic surgery of any kind! Nothing is sadder to me than an older woman who has a face so tight she looks like she has trouble opening her eyes wide enough to see. No, I want to accept my age with grace and be proud of what I look like. But I struggle with the yearning to be "cute". I think its a holdover from my teens, but whatever it is, I can't sem to shake it. I know "cute" is only a dream. But where would we be without our dreams?

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I'm so tired!

What's with the exhaustion? I used to have boundless energy (well maybe not BOUNDLESS) and lately I just want to hang in bed in the morning, listening to the birds singing and enjoying the early morning cool air. Of course I don't, because my Puritan guilt kicks in pretty early on and I figure the day is wasting, but honestly, what gives?

It's a strange phenomenon, this idea of your body wearing out. I see it all the time when I'm doing ambulance calls so I know the reality, but still, its odd. A majority of our work is with the elderly and seeing them in their homes, surrounded by photos of them in their prime, well - it's sobering.

Why is it that we simply don't come with expiration dates so at least we know what we're dealing with? Or why can't we go into the shop and pick up spare parts when something feels worn out? I suppose it's better that we make room in the world for the next batch of babies to grow into, but even as a person of faith, I am puzzled by the whole plan.

Some day I hope to ask the questions in person when I meet the manufacturer.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Aches and pains

My back aches today. I still have not adjusted to the fact that at any time, for no reason, I may experience aches and pains. I don't think this was true when I was younger...at least I never noticed it then. Is it because I was so busy running around after kids that I didn't have time to feel them? No, I think they are a middle-age phenomenon.

Some mornings when I get out of bed the legs feel as though they are made of wood. They don't seem to want to bend and they surely do not want to walk anywhere. It takes me a few steps just to straighten upright and then I have to make forward motion. What an effort.

Of course its not always like this. Some days I feel great and sometimes I have not had an ache or pain in recent memory. But today - well my back is just killing me. No reason for it. Just too much sitting or something.

It's like traveling in the car. I used to be able to do an eight hour trip and think nothing of it. We could drive for hours on end, bound out of the vehicle when we arrived and not even think about having to go to the bathroom. Now when my husband and I stop after three hours of driving we can barely climb out of the seats to go into the rest stop. But the intense need to get into that bathroom moves me forward. The legs, the back, the feet - everything seems to be screaming!

How did this happen? No one ever told me that I'd feel this way. I remember my father moaning and groaning when he got up from his chair - but he was much older then than I am now. Then again, when he was the age I am now I was so busy running around after those same kids, I probably would not have noticed.....