Remembering

The interesting thing about middle-age is that I find myself reflecting so often on the past. Which is a bit scary because I used to think that elderly people tended to live in the past rather than embrace the present, so it's sobering to find myself sometimes fixated on times gone by. But I understand that now. Because there are so many memories that are part of who I am.

The holidays are full of memories. Perhaps losing both our mothers in the past two years has made them more acute for me because I am thinking so much about Thanksgivings and Christmases past right now. I remember happy times in my own childhood, which for a troubled girl like me did not come that often. They were mostly centered on holidays. And as a young married woman I think about those first holidays we shared together and they always make me smile. There is nothing like the optimism and joy of young love. And of course, so many years spent with my little ones, those wonderful beings that make our lives so amazing. I remember mornings around one Christmas tree with those kids and afternoons around another as we moved from family to family to celebrate. I remember laughter and joy in those homes. I miss those people who raised us and loved us and helped us become the people we are. I will always miss them at the holidays.

But I still have plenty of holidays left in me I hope! And I think there are many wonderful memories to still me made. It's not a bad time in life really - plenty to remember and smile about...and plenty to look forward to as well. Not such a bad place to be!

The emotional roller coaster

Middle age is more difficult than I had imagined. I remember when my parents were my age - the golden years they call them! I was a newlywed, stuck at home with little children, with no money to spend on anything - I thought that theirs' was indeed the ideal, golden age. They had money to spend on leisure activities, they traveled all over the world, and they ate out at restaurants regularly....it was my fantasy! They seemed footloose and fancy free, Still young enough to enjoy the best things in life, and with the ability to hire other people to do their most mundane tasks like cleaning the house or painting a room.

I had no idea then that my fifties would be such tumultuous years.

Now the reality of this age is very real to me. It's a time of "high highs" and "low lows" and my emotional stability is sometimes in question. Just these past two years have been such a roller coaster in our house that I sometimes feel seasick thinking about it. Less than two years ago my mother died - a devastating loss to me. Within the same year - about ten months later - my daughter had a son. What a joyous occasion! When only a few more months had passed my husband's mother died, leaving another gaping hole in our family. Then, less than two months after that our son was married to a wonderful girl that we all love - a real celebration! So within the time frame of two short years our family has lost two dear members - and welcomed two new ones. Wow.

I don't know, but it seems to me that when you throw in the other things we deal with at this time in our lives, like the aches and pains of aging bodies and the difficulty of doing some of the minor tasks we used to take for granted - well, it's not such a golden age after all.

And, unlike my parents, we are scrimping like mad to afford a little travel to see some of the places in the world we have dreamed of seeing for a very long time. And we've not yet figured out how to find enough extra money to hire someone else to do the painting and cleaning.

But - all in all life is good and I shouldn't complain I know. I'm just actually looking forward to my sixties now, hoping that maybe they'll be a little more "golden"...

New president

It occurred to me for the first time the other day that this is the first president that has been elected in my lifetime that's younger than I am. Now that is a sobering thought. I've grown accustomed to the fact that every police officer and teacher now looks about the same age as my children, but the president? I'm not sure I ever thought that would happen! Of course it helps that this president will be unusually young, and I know if the election had gone the other way I wouldn't be feeling this way, but still...where is Ronald Reagen when I need him?

I am excited about the youth that is going to be inhabiting the White House and I think it's great that young children will once again be running in those hallowed halls. But the fact that I have grandchildren nearly the age of the president's children is indeed a bit sobering.

Ah well, as my father used to say, old age is better than the alternative. I guess that's true - as long as we have our health and can enjoy life, what difference does it make how old we are? And is it not true that only an old person would say such a thing?

In my lifetime....

You know you are getting old when you say things like "I never thought I would see this in my lifetime...." and that's what I have been saying and thinking all week with this election. All the thoughts that have gone through my head, about the civil rights movement, the turmoil of the 1960s, the fight for equality over the years when I was coming of age - they have all served to make me think about my life and the things I've seen. And that makes me feel old.

I remember listening to my grandmother talk about the day that Lindbergh flew across the ocean in his plane. And my parents talking about Pearl Harbor Day. They were concepts to me - they were another time and not part of my experience. Now here I am, sharing my life experiences with my kids who are probably similarly detached from it all. How can they know what it was like to see the war footage on the 7:00 news every night? They certainly are not seeing that now! How could they understand the fear that a young girl felt when she saw the atrocities that blacks were enduring during the height of the Ku Klux Klan years? They cannot even envision a world where women were not police officers and politicians!

I'm glad that they did not have to experience those things. And yet I am realizing that the fact that I did makes me "of a certain age". Yikes!

The circle of life

When my mother died my sister made a comment that I have never forgotten. She said "I really hate this whole circle of life thing!" And I did too at the time, because I just wanted my mother back. But now, I see that it is this very life cycle that makes it possible for us to welcome the next generation into our lives and bring us such overwhelming joy.

Someone told me after Mom died that as sad as it was to say goodbye to them it was necessary so there would be room for new lives to come. They were right.

At family lunch today I watched my niece with her 12 day old infant on her lap, and I listened to my grandsons run around the house with her other little boy - and I observed my children and their cousins - all sitting around the table just enjoying each other's company. I thought to myself " This circle of life thing isn't so bad, really. We just need to get used to it".

Middle age is not a bad time of life. In fact, as sad as it is to lose our parents and suddenly become the "senior" generation of the family, it's amazing to watch as not one but two new generations bloom before our eyes. They are amazing kids, all of them. And it's a wonderful thing to see them mature and become such great adults. I wish I could watch the process go on forever....